About Me, Traci October 22, 2017 24

The Last Few Weeks

I took a hiatus.

From everything. Social media, social functions, society in general.

A lot of things have happened in the last few months, one of them being the hurricane. We’re fine; however, our backyard isn’t. And while I am eternally grateful our lives were spared, the extensive mess it left–both literally and figuratively–combined with other factors have caused things to change.

I’ll spare you the details of those changes, as well as the state of my mental health, because it deals a lot with depression and Tarryn just recently wrote a blog post about that, and farbeit for me to piggyback off Tarryn Fisher (bahaha). But scoop a heaping dollop of anxiety on top of this shit sundae, and that’s where I’ve been stuck the last couple of months.

Well, screw it—I’ll touch on depression for a second before we get to the fun part (there is a fun part coming, I promise!). I’ve dealt with depression since I was a child, and within the past few years, when it comes to visit, it brings a suitcase full of anxiety. These polar opposites make an interesting combination. Depression is feeling numb. Anxiety is feeling everything at once. And when you combine those two, it’s a living, breathing hell.

Unfortunately, I am my own support group. I don’t have a group of people who reach out and see if I’m okay. I’m not surrounded by family; in fact, I have no family down here at all. There are many days that go by where my phone doesn’t make a single sound. And that’s the first thing depression/anxiety tells me when it barges through the door and sets up camp in my mind—you’re all alone, you’ve got nobody. So here I am to keep you company! You’re welcome!

In fact (and this is actually pretty funny—now, anyway, it wasn’t when it happened), a couple weeks ago, I was trying to get ahold of a psychiatrist to make an appointment. I couldn’t get ahold of anyone, so I left various messages which were never returned. When I finally got ahold of someone, she asked me a series of questions to determine if I would be a good fit for the doctor. Was I suicidal? No. Heart issues? No. Eating disorders? Hell, no.

Upon finishing the questions, she said, “Okay, I’ll give your information to the doctor this afternoon and give you a call back no later than Wednesday.”

Wednesday came and went. The following Wednesday came and went. I heard nothing.

I couldn’t even get a psychiatrist to care about me.

I was pondering this and many other things while driving my car a few days later when I was hit with an anxiety attack. I grabbed my phone at a stop light and called the psychiatrist’s office again, and left another message in the middle of this anxiety attack.

I mean, LOL, I can’t even imagine what that sounded like when they heard it. I, Traci Finlay, in the midst of an anxiety attack, called a psychiatrist’s office and tried leaving a coherent message that was anything but coherent. It was high pitched with lots of shallow breathing, and I almost hung up without telling them my name and number. I’m laughing just thinking about it. I wish I had it recorded because I would totally post that mess on here and let you listen to it.

Anyway, guess what? I have an appointment November third.

The point is, I took initiative. I took initiative in other areas, too. Here comes the fun part…

I went out and bought myself a new computer. It’s a MacBook Air.

It was my “I Survived Hurricane Irma” gift.

It was my “Hurricane Irma Destroyed My Pool And Ripped Out All My Trees” consolation prize.

It was my “I Live In A City I Hate And Nobody Cares” present.

It was my “The Last Large Gift I Received Was On My Birthday And It Was A Bike And Someone Stole It Out Of My Backyard A Month Later” award.

It was my “I Don’t Have My Own Laptop Outside Of My Work Computer, Which Is The Size Of A Dinosaur” accolade.

And my depression/anxiety looked me square in the face and said, “Touché, Finlay. Touché.”

But I didn’t stop there—I took this new computer, channeled my depression/anxiety through it, and I wrote another book.

In case you thought you may not have read that right, I finished another manuscript. I’m still in that stage of disbelief and uncertainty. I’ve tucked it away with the intention of pulling it back out in a couple of weeks to start the self-editing stage and determine whether or not it’s going to work.

But I think … I think I love it.

I guess the point of all this is—the last few weeks have been hella interesting, in both good and bad ways. Those who deal with depression understand the fight or flight mentality. I chose to fight this time, and I’m really glad I did. Those big little victories help a lot. I felt just as accomplished when I got the psychiatrist’s office to call me back as I did when I finished the last sentence of my manuscript. And skipping out of the Apple Store with a shiny new laptop dangling in a bag wasn’t too shabby, either.

I know it’s not over. It still may be a few more weeks before I’m feeling like my old self again, but I’m at least taking steps in the right direction. And I know this isn’t the end of the depression/anxiety. I know that I know that I know it’ll come back. And it’ll come back again after that. And again.

And you’ll know when all this happens, because I’ll take a hiatus and then pop back up with a new computer and another book.

Well, let me not set any expectations. I hate having to live up to expectations, because it gives me anxiety. And then I’d have to go make another phone call, and we know how those go…

Also, MacBooks are expensive, and if I bought a new one after every bout of depression and anxiety, I’d basically be plunging myself deeper into depression and anxiety … and debt.

But maybe, with the books. We’ll see.

We’ll see…

 

About the author

Traci:

24 Comments

  1. Amy Vox Libris

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    You will regret this post because now I'm going to contact you ALL THE TIME. So commence with the girding of your loins.

    Thank you for your honesty. Anxiety and depression are old friends of mine. They're the guests who crash the party, leave, and then return after everyone else has gone home.

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Aw, thank you, Amy! I actually had anxiety from the moment I hit publish until the moment I saw your comment, lol, so you've already helped. :)

  2. Stacie Ramey

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    great post, Tracy...we are here and we're listening and we can't wait to read that next book!

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Thank you, Stacie! I'm pretty pumped about it, and I'd love to get your advice on it, if you're interested in doing a beta read. I'm not sure if you do those, but it's been rough getting feedback since I haven't been able to go to critique group in so long. Either way, thank you for your support! You've always been awesome! :)

  3. Chasity Tarantino

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    Definitely appreciate your honesty. I'm going through similar problems with depression and anxiety, so I can relate. I really cannot wait to read one of your books!!! Just know you are awesome!

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Thank you so much! I can't wait for you to read them! And as far as the depression and anxiety, let me know if you need anything, ever. XOXO

  4. Amy Vox Libris

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    I forgot to add how excited I am to read your book! Congratulations on finishing a new one.

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Ah, thank you! I can't wait for you to read it!

  5. Erica Russikoff

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    You’re such a survivor, Traci. A hurricane, theft, panic attacks, depression...you survived and now thrive. Congrats on the new book!

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      LOL! You see how at one point I just sat back and was like, wow. My life sucks. lmao! So here we are. Another book. I guess whatever keeps me spitting them out, hahaha!

  6. Eli

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    Hi! Well I did notice you were MIA and I even mentioned it to Joe,. I wish I would have text/call you, I figured you needed a break from social media, we all do at times. I never would have known, you are so positive and inspirational and witty and have a way with words. Hopefully, we can get together and with the boys !

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Hi Eli! No worries at all. I tend to just back away from life when it all hits, so if anything, it's my fault. Anyway, thanks for reaching out! Miss you guys! XOXO

  7. Dusti

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    Traci, my heart goes out to you. I'd been wondering where you were, so know that your absence was felt, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt it. Also, I'm sitting here thinking how in the hell do you write an entire manuscript in a month? Because you are a rock star, or maybe I should just say writing genius. Either way, that's pretty bad ass, so take that depression. ;)

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Hahahaha so you understand how I'm still kind of in a state of disbelief, right? I had written the first two chapters a few months ago, and then I got really busy with editing so I put the manuscript away. But then when the hurricane hit, I was bored and sad and lonely so I pulled it back out and ... where's that gif of Kermit the Frog on the typewriter?! Because that was me. LOL Anyway, thank you so much for your support! :)

  8. Leila

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    Traci, we appreciate you sharing all of this with us. You just keep fighting through all of the shit and can't wait to read this book now too!

    Don't let this shit grind you down, and no buying a new mac may not be ideal each time but sometimes you just have to say screw it and do something for you x

    • Leila

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Ps it's really early here and I totally just realised I swore on your blog, Sorry

      • Traci

        October 23, 2017
        Reply

        This really did make me LOL! No worries, I swear on the blog, and I probably shouldn't because I know I have very conservative people who read it, but I'm a writer and sometimes a sentence just calls for a good swear word, and who am I to deprive readers of the perfect word?!

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Yes, it was totally one of those days that I said, "I need something for me." And I don't even regret it. LOL

  9. Amanda

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    Traci...this post really touched me. Thank you for writing it, thank you for sharing. I frequently have that all-alone, no-one-cares feeling myself, and this post makes me feel not quite so all alone, if only because I know that someone I look up to (yes, you! even though we're practically strangers!) feels the same. So just...thank you. <3

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Thank you, Amanda! And btw, we are NOT strangers. We can feel alone together ... if that makes any sense, lol! If you ever need anything, I'll be here in my little corner of the world! <3

  10. Elizabeth Duran

    October 23, 2017
    Reply

    Hi Traci,
    I so loved reading this. It really sounds like me. Depression and Anxiety love to pop in unexpectedly and uninvited in my life too. It's great to know that I'm not alone in this battle. This is a "gift" sometimes given to creative minds it seems. I don't deal well with change because change produces all those yucky scary feelings. I went from being the crazy mom that poured my life into my kids, to an empty nester in a split second. Sure, I have many friends, but I don't think they understand the roller coaster that starts in my head. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

    • Traci

      October 23, 2017
      Reply

      Do you know that I get anxiety thinking about becoming an empty nester? I still have a good ten years before that happens, lol! But it's true, we certainly don't invite these guys to the party, but they come and crash it anyway. I hope you're feeling okay. I'm glad you enjoyed reading, and I hope it helped some. Thanks for writing! :)

  11. Jessica

    October 25, 2017
    Reply

    Hey Traci! I really appreciate what you wrote. I can definitely count the times I felt exactly the same way and there are times I feel it now. It’s exciting you wrote another book that’s great! I remember the one we read a long time ago! If you ever want to chat and talk about nonsense I’m here lol

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